Where's the Papparazzi?

There are times when I wonder if my family isn't unwittingly participating in a reality TV show.  Whenever we enter a store, restaurant, or leave the front door in most cases, we seem to draw attention.  Enough so that I'd swear we made it into some obscure B-list celebrity circle.  Stares, whispers, or side-long glances are the norm these days when my wife and I are out with the crew.  For the most part, it doesn't bug me.  In part, I like to think it's because they are all looking at my wife thinking "Holy Moley, she had 5 kids?  No way!" I do take pride in the fact that my kids are very well behaved in public.  There's the occasional exception to that statement, but I feel highly confident that I could take them into any restaurant and be able to have a mostly normal meal without disturbing the rest of the patrons.  My kids will play word games, or tic-tac-toe on a napkin (paper, not cloth), or find some way to keep themselves entertained with my wife and I while we are ordering and then waiting for food. 

Reality check:  They're kids.  I will always have to answer at least three times the questions "when will the food get here?" and "Do we get desert?"  The good news is that most waiters will see a family with 5 kids walk into their seating area, and put the kitchen on high alert to crank out the chow with a quickness before the evening goes pear-shaped.  We're not ordering the soufflé so you can take comfort in the fact that we are not likely to linger.  If you have the standard kid's fare on the menu, and ice cream as a desert option, you have nothing to worry about from us.  Though I have seen the occasional waiter turn a few shades of green when he realized his party of seven included an infant, a toddler and 3 young boys.  Yeah buddy, you'll be earning this one....

The funny part about all the stares and whispers is the change that occurs throughout the course of the meal from the other patrons. 

It always starts out with the look of barely-contained horror that some inconsiderate parents (us) would think about bringing such a young family into the restaurant where they were counting on a nice, peaceful meal.   Now to be fair, my wife and I are not part of the 8PM dinner crowd.  Dinner for us is typically between 5 and 6.  Ever roll into a restaurant at 5 PM?  It's practically deserted, which is exactly why we hit the restaurants at those times.  Those who are there are usually the over 70 crowd banking on the early-bird specials and tend to be more tolerant (or hard of hearing....either way, it works.)   Regardless, dinner at that hour means less wait, less people to potentially disturb, less chance of a catastrophic outing.  So yes, we are aware of the live social grenade we are bringing into the eating establishment, and we are doing our best to mitigate any potential casualties or collateral damage.

The looks of horror eventually turn to curiosity as they finish officially counting the kids and come to the realization that the older ones are all boys and the little bundle in the car seat is sporting something pink and frilly, therefore allowing them to assume "They got the girl!"  (perhaps they wonder if it's an effeminate little boy, but the conversation has never gone there...)  The sidelong glances continue for a while and at this point they are all torn between wanting the quietly sleeping baby to continue in her peacefully quiet slumber and wanting the baby to wake up so they can 1) confirm it's a girl and 2) see how cute she is. (let me end the suspense....she's DARN cute.)  Knowing there are adoring fans out there (perhaps it's only her who is part of the reality show) just dying for a glimpse of her, she'll wake up with a minimum of fuss and insist on being taken out of the car seat and held.  Incidentally, this is uncannily timed for the arrival of the food, such that either my wife or I will have to hold her instead of eating our nice warm meal.  It has the added benefit of leaving only one of us capable of helping the little guys cut their food or get catsup out of the Heinz bottle.

Curiosity will eventually give way to smiles.  Like I said, my kids are generally very well behaved, and my youngest son (whom I regularly refer to as my 'feral kid') is still young enough where his antics are cute and have yet to be destructive or disruptive while out for dinner.  There aren't meltdowns or screaming fits, and when we go to a restaurant, we typically order food we know they'll like.  I know, I should be "expanding their pallets" but that's what holiday parties at other peoples' houses are for, right?  My kids can power down chicken nuggets, pasta, and fries with the best of them, especially when they know that ice cream is only awarded to those who eat their dinner.  Ice cream usually brings with it the light-hearted cheering you would expect when putting ice cream in front of kids, and I don't care how much of a curmudgeon you are, seeing a kid break into a smile when desert arrives should put you in a good mood.

Around this time, the check will arrive (80% probability without my prompting, along with to-go boxes and the slightly strained "Will there be anything else?" from the waiter).  I waited tables back in the day.  I know the waiter is in shock that we've gotten through a meal with 5 kids without incident, and is waiting for the impending catastrophic failure to occur.  He has quiet hopes of getting through this encounter unscathed and being able to chalk up a perfect game to his unique service skills.  Don't worry, he or she will get a generous tip.  I understand the stress they've been living through the last 45 minutes or so.  But while I'm digging for my wallet almost inevitably one of the people who have been watching us from another table will come up to us and say something.  Opening lines rarely vary, which make we wonder if the reality show is called "You Have Your Hands Full" or "Wow Five Kids."  Usually this is an elderly woman and she is usually one of the few people who have been smiling since our arrival at the restaurant and watching our little reality program throughout their meal and enjoying the show to it's fullest.   This is usually the first time the kids get uncomfortable with their fame, and start getting antsy about making their way to the door and back into the anonymity of the minivan. 

My wife and I round up the gang, making sure we leave no one behind and grab the doggy bag (I'm not letting good french fries or chicken fingers to waste!).  Our little troupe makes our way to the restaurant exit, past the now smiling patrons and the waiter sobbing with relief.  I guess people are just used to kids bouncing off the walls all the time so my boys come as something of an anomaly to them.  I'm proud of how well they behave and am grateful that they make it possible for my wife and I to get out and not have to cook from time to time.  A family of 7 isn't the norm, and I get that.  Sometimes it does get uncomfortable feeling like we are in the spotlight so much when we go out and about.  I try not to even indicate I'm aware of the stares because I don't need my kids feeling like they are on display.  For us, 5 kids is the new normal.  We're going to do things differently than most of their friends' families will and that will be hard enough for them to have to deal with sometimes.