Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Speakerphone

Worst Invention Ever:  Videophone.

Don't get me wrong, I think being able to Skype with relatives halfway around the world is awesome, and I've cornered plenty of relatives online and watched them politely chuckle while whatever infant I'm showing off at the time proceeds to reenact the iconic scene from the Exorcist.  I honestly do believe that Grandparents find that endearing.  I could plant a kid in a Bumbo seat smack dab in front of the web cam and I'm certain Grandparents would sit there and watch the kid try to snack on his toes for hours.  It's like crack to them.  However...

Why in the world would anyone ever want someone to see what they are actually doing while talking on the phone?  People are SO addicted to their cell phones that they actually hold conversations in what used to be semi-private places.  Can you imagine adding video to this? 

"Dude, where are you?  You sound like you're in a cave?"
"Nah, I'm on the can dropping a duce."
"Ah, that makes sense.  I thought you were looking a bit strained."
"Sorry man. I would have called you back but this can't wait.  Randy Moss got traded again, you have to update our fantasy team."

NOT having the video option on a cell or any other phone allows us to maintain an air of professionalism, regardless of how we look or what's going on in the background.  Seriously, I've had some calls that I was so anxious to get that I kept a phone next to me in the shower.  Phone rings, caller ID confirms it's the call I'm waiting for, and next thing you know, I'm sitting at my desk, towel around my waist, dripping wet and furiously working at the computer.  My trusty speakerphone cooly edits the scene and projects an mental image across the line of me, calm, cool (dry and clothed) and dutifully knocking out whatever problem is at hand.

My office used to be a front porch, and as such has 3 entrances:  One from the front yard, one to the living room via glass french doors, and one to the kids' playroom, also with glass french doors.  I can close the doors when I need some privacy, and at some point I should probably fix the curtains for the additional privacy, but until I can get around to it (it's number 437 on my 'Honey-Do' list) I have the occasional half-pint visitor who decides that he needs Daddy's attention no matter what.  So here's the scene:  Imagine giving a serious presentation to a client, where you know that your boss, your boss's boss and the Big Cheese of the client's company is on the line.  Imagine that you are the one who developed the new industrial configuration that is going to save them serious dinero and solve a ton of their engineering hurdles and are giving a video presentation to lay out the details and field any questions.  Now imagine that while on the Video phone from your home office, at the key point in the presentation, all attention turns to the background.  There, a skinny little kid runs headlong into the closed french door, rebounds, then proceeds to get dog-piled by his 2 younger brothers, one trying to force a matchbox car into a place it's not intended to go and the other just piling on because, Hey, that what brothers do!  Aside from not being able to ignore the sound of the initial impact with the french door, due to the visual you've pretty much derailed the entire presentation.  Now I'm not saying that the example used did or did not happen, but without the presence of a videophone (and some Windex on a paper towel for the glass on the french door), it never happened.

In a world of multitasking, the videophone would ground productivity to a halt.  I have no problem answering E-mails or doing the diaper-dash while listening to training (speakerphone on mute, thank you).   Chances are, I probably worked through lunch.  So while I'm 'attending' a meeting where my input is, for all intents and purposes, neither required nor desired, I'm probably also raiding the fridge to see if I can make a palatable lunch out of a single slice of turkey, a half-eaten banana and the 38 condiments inside.  (Side note:   Does anyone else feel like food disappears as soon as it gets in the house, but the jar of pickles from 2004 never seems to empty?)  Could you imagine what would happen if every time you had a conversation with someone, or attended a conference call, you had to be staring in the relative vicinity of a video camera?  Wow.  In my book that'd be cruel and unusual punishment.  What goes on behind the scenes of the speakerphone that keeps me connected to the rest of the world and lets me do my job should stay a mystery.  I get paid because I get results, and am able to do so regardless of whatever antics Groucho, Harpo and Zeppo are pulling off in the Freedonia that is the backdrop of my office.

Thank you to the innovators that have made video phone possible (while making an OS update so cumbersome my old iPhone is now obsolete), but I'll stick with my no-video, illusion-of-professionalism producing speakerphone.  Now back to work (after I determine if a quick Matchbox car extraction is necessary...)