12 Delusions of Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone too quickly, and as my kids have gotten older it's fun to watch the excitement mount and the different ways they attack the holiday season.  The older two build up the Santa anticipation to a static-electricity-like charge to every room they enter.  The little guy still has no idea what's going on, but he understands that there seems to be a lot more chocolate and cookies around for the sneaking.

However, as I went through the Christmas season, watching the TV Specials, braving the crowds (actually, going into a store on Black Friday at 8 AM is a piece of cake...all the Loonies are gone by 2 AM) and doing the 1,001 items on my list to host various holiday functions, I kept hearing and experiencing snippets of conversations that had me either laughing or shaking my head.  Many of the conversations are courtesy of the supermarket or toy store checkout lines, one of which I frequented so much in the last few weeks I thought the store was going to assign me a personal concierge (I should be so lucky).  I've also found that there are certain experiences that regardless of how many times I fall into the trap, I'm destined to convince myself will have a different result this year.  As a result, I present for your consideration:

The 12 Delusions of Christmas....

1)  This one is different, you'll like it....
Primarily associated with a beloved relative or friend's fruitcake, I think I hear this at least once a year.  Sometimes it shows up in the form of a cherry pie or brussel sprouts, and many times preceded by "Now I know you told me you don't like _______ (fill in the blank).  But you'll like MINE.  This one is different."  *Sigh*  In my case, I don't like cherries, so no matter how well you decorate a cherry pie, I'm not going to like your cherry pie unless you mistakenly substituted apples for cherries.  A huge tip of the hat to my mom this year who made a cherry cheesecake (cheese cake is delicious in darn-near ANY form) and wonderfully left the cherries on the side!  With all the wonderful things to eat this Christmas season, certain things (fruitcake) need not rear it's ugly head.

2)  This will keep them occupied for hours
I'm guilty of this one multiple times over.  Walking down the toy aisles looking for a great gift for my kids or a niece or nephew.  Then...wait...there it is!  Perfect!  I would have loved this as a kid!  This will keep them occupied for hours!  Silly man.  The first person the toy will inevitably keep occupied for hours is the the parent unlucky enough to be right next to the child opening the box.  Why? Because that parent will soon be tapped to try and remove the toy from the packaging.  Have you seen these things?  Houdini couldn't get out of the bindings they have these things strapped in with.  And the younger the kid the toy is for, the worse!  By the time you finally get the tie wraps, twist ties, lock tabs, twist ties, tape, more twist ties and straps (did I mention twist ties?) removed, find the correct size of Phillips-head screwdriver to remove the battery flap, get the batteries in and turn it on...wait...where'd the kid go?  They are playing with the box and having the time of their life.  Saw that one coming....

3)  One is plenty, the kids will share...
Really?  You think so?  *Sigh*

4)  If we buy them each the same thing, they won't fight over them...
Unfortunately 3 and 4 are the Murphy's law of gifts for kids.  Buy one, they'll fight over it.  Buy the SAME THING for each one of them, and they'll fight over which one is BETTER.  Last year my 2 oldest got IDENTICAL plush Pixar Lightning McQueen chairs.  I kept getting asked:
"Dad, is this one mine?"
"Yes." 
"How can you tell?"
"I marked them"
"You did?  How?"
"With a special Daddy Marker only I can see.  Trust me."
"Ok."
(partially explains why I got coal this year.)

5)  Lets go to the Kid's Christmas Service at the Church...It'll be fun!
(Humbug alert!)  I haven't been to a Kid's church service for almost 20 years for one simple reason:  Last time I went it was complete chaos.  Reenacting the birth of Christ, having the children process and stand at the front of the altar to sing Christmas carols, while cute in concept, is like herding cats. It has the added bonus of extending the service length by 20%-50%, something the younger brothers and sisters in the congregation (and the twice a year church goers) enjoy thoroughly.  Perhaps churches decide to try and suck the little kids into one service so the rest of the scheduled services will be that much quieter and calmer.  A conspiracy?  Perhaps...

6)  They were up late on Christmas Eve, they were so exhausted they're bound to sleep in.
The arrival of Santa and the expectation of tearing into a mound of colorfully wrapped gifts to reveal presents that they have (patiently?) been waiting to see for weeks pretty much guarantees no kid is sleeping in.  In our house, while #2 and #3 actually DID sleep in, my oldest was knocking at my door in the 5AM hour explaining to me how he could see the stuffed Angry Birds from the top of the stairs, and if he should be allowed to go downstairs, he wouldn't actually PLAY with them, but just wanted to look at them quietly.  I was exhausted...not stupid.  Sorry Champ.

7)  I know you usually don't wear...
I think every family has the person who knows what you like and want more than you do.  For years I used to get turtle-neck sweaters, even when I thought it was pretty clear that I don't wear turtlenecks.  Never have.  I look ridiculous in them.  I still got one a year because "I know you don't USUALLY wear these, but I thought you'd look great in it."  Gotta love gift receipts.

8)  We have enough ______ (fill in the blank), don't you think?
This is usually with regards to food or drink.  I think everyone falls victim to this one.  You balance wanting to make sure there is enough for everyone with the desire not to have a pantry full of canned olives and anchovies that you wind up donating to the local canned food drive.  (I know, it's horrible, people need food and we give them anchovies.  More fuel for the 'Naughty' list.)  If you have to ask the question, however, you are inevitably going to run out, requiring the emergency trip to the store.  Which is a perfect segue to #9...

9)  I'm sure they'll be open...
No.  They won't be. This goes for the grocery stores as well.  Particularly on Christmas Day.   This is when you will realize that you've forgotten the one key ingredient required to properly make the traditional family recipe that has been handed down from generation to generation and that your grandparent, at great personal cost, has reluctantly agreed to allow you to make, passing the torch after 50+ years of culinary perfection at their hands.  Dude...you're screwed.

10)  I'm sure they won't notice if...
Fill in the rest of that sentence with whatever you want.  Regardless of what the hiccup, snafu or other minor hitch is, it will be recognized and most likely verbalized by your ever-so-observant 3-5 year old who hasn't learned tact or volume control.  Might as well write it in fluorescent hot-pink lipstick across your forehead.

11)  Everyone will think it's fun if we...
Inevitably, there will be at least one person who does not think it's fun.  Doesn't matter what IT is.  This person will be easily identified by the quick reach for the rum to fortify their egg nog, and the attempt to either camouflage themselves with the Christmas tree or sudden retreat to the usually off-limits upstairs bathroom.  Just leave this person alone.  Please.  It's Christmas for goodness sake...

12)  If it has the word "Christmas" in the song, it's officially a Carol and OK if we play it over, and over, and over....
I believe that there are a few Christmas Carols that have worn out their welcome.  I will never request "Santa Baby" without first receiving a concussive blow to the skull.  Even worse, however, is that there are some songs that have been granted the right to be played ad-nauseum starting on Black Friday just because it contains the word Christmas in it.  WHAM's "Last Christmas" should be sent to the Island of Misfit songs, never to be iPod or radio-wave compatible.  There are a few others, but this is the most offensive.

I have to admit, that I fall prey to half these delusions on a regular basis.  As the Ghost of Christmas Past drop-kicks the Ghost of Christmas Present into oblivion, I forget what many experiences have taught me and once again set myself up to be deluded into thinking 'this time will be different!'  Perhaps it's the after effect of too much eggnog or crashing from the sugar high of one too many Christmas cookies (one?...who am I trying to kid?) but as the celebration becomes another fond memory, the lessons learned get tossed with the just-as-bad-as-last-year's fruitcake.

In all honesty, the silly part of me enjoys these delusions.  Many times they make for great stories or a shared wink between me and my wife, sister, dad or someone else who rolls their eyes along with me, waiting for the inevitable faux-pas to add credence to the story that starts out "Seriously, it's the same thing every Christmas..."

Old Woman. Man! Man...Sorry.

Believe it or not, I have not been looking for an excuse to work Monty Python into a Blog post, though when the opportunity presented itself, I'd kick myself if I didn't take advantage of it.

As Dennis the Constitutional Peasant once put it:

"I'm 37, I'm not OLD."

It's good to know that Dennis has confirmed my not-yet-over-the-hill status in the timeless medium that is cinema.  Yes, it's my birthday, and I'm 37, and that particular phrase of Dennis's has been running through my head for the last few weeks.  The number doesn't bother me in the least.  One year closer to 40...big deal.  As my old USNA buddies would say "One Year Closer to Death"...still no biggie.  The fact that I have to lean over to my wife from time to time and ask "How old am I again?" is not so much the onset of old age as the fact that the numbers at this point in my life just don't mean anything.

I think what interests me more is looking back at 37 years, and thinking about that phrase is wondering how many of the things that influenced my life, my humor, and my perspective may be lost on my kids if I don't introduce it to them since Pop Culture has changed so much.  Will they ever understand why I can't go through the produce aisle of Shop Rite and not grin when I see the coconuts, wondering how many European Swallows it took to get them all there? (It couldn't have been African swallows, since those are non-migratory.  Duh.)

A few months(?) ago I saw a Facebook post from my cousin showing his son and friend sitting on the couch mesmerized, with a caption stating that they were being introduced to "Star Wars."  How COOL is that!   I love the idea of sparking their imaginations with "the Force" and seeing if it's received as well with my kids as it was with me.  Considering the awesome adventure potential of our back yard, the Indiana Jones Trilogy is also high on the list.  (No, I do not acknowledge the tragedy that was the 4th installment of the series.  I think Spielburg was trying to One-Up Lucas's Jar-Jar Binks as far as bad movie ideas was concerned.)  There are some invaluable life lessons that can only truly be appreciated by watching some of the classics.  Some examples:

1)  It is important to slowly build up an immunity to iocane powder
2)  Never let Fredo watch your back when you're buying fruit.
3)  We're going to need a bigger boat.
4)  It's not cruel and repetitive manual labor, it's actually close-quarter's combat training.

(Ok, in truth, that last one is not a 'classic' by my standard, but "Wax on. Wax off" is pretty iconic, and anything that can be used to eventually get my kids clean and wax my car, paint the house and sand the deck may be worth considering...) 

It's not just movies.  TV we grew up with also had a lasting impression.  To this day I still laugh myself to tears watching certain Looney Tunes episodes.  Seriously, there's something wrong with you if you don't at least start giggling when you think: "Duck season!...Rabbit Season!...Duck Season Fire!" 

I guess a big difference is that we didn't have DVRs and a thousand channels to choose from.  So while my little guys have hours and hours of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Little Einsteins and Babar, if I got up early on a Saturday, I had to gut through "Davey and Goliath" and various other ridiculous cartoons until the good stuff like Transformers or Voltron came on.  Of course you'd have to wait a few hours until Bugs Bunny actually came on, but it wasn't like I was going to turn off the TV until then, so I'm sure I watched hours of other garbage until then and countless hours of cereal and toy commercials.  I still use the term "Cuckoo for CocoPuffs" but since the invention of TiVo, I'm sure none of my kids have any idea what I'm talking about.  In fact, the first time we taped "Chicken Little" for them to watch, they experienced commercials for the first time.  The crying and complaining the first time a commercial came on and they thought the show had 'stopped' was actually confusing.  "Guys, it's OK, it's just a commercial.  The movie will start again in a minute, I promise!"  Could you imaging the hysterics that would have ensued if they had to endure a round or two of "School House Rock?"

Speaking of Rock  (Gotta love that seque...)  I took my kids Dunkin Donuts the other day, our weekly Sunday Ritual and they always have the radio playing.  This particular time they had some Rock playing.  I'm not talking about Pop, which is all I seem to hear on the radio these days, I'm talking ROCK!  Woohoo!  Watching my three-year-old get his dance on to KISS - I Wanna Rock and Roll all Night had me cracking up and loving every minute of it.  It was at that moment that I realized that maybe it was OK for me to put away the Disney Classics CD's and pop in Daddy's iPod mix every once in a while.  So while getting dinner ready, I introduced the kids to "C'mon Feel the Noise" and "Highway to Hell."  I'm not sure my wife was totally approving until I cranked some "Bad Medicine" and peeked around the doorway to see her doing some subtle head banging.  (When in doubt, bust out the Bon Jovi to get the Jersey Girl to come around to your way of thinking.)  All three kids, and the grown ups too, spent time in the kitchen bustin' a move or two (incidentally, that's on the mix along with Baby Got Back...you gotta have some fun with it!) and having a really good time. 

So no, 37 doesn't mean anything to me, but I am aware that there are some great things that I did and experienced growing up that I can start sharing with my kids, even at their young age.  In some cases I can do it because of their young age.  Lets be real, they're too young to understand the lyrics to most of my songs but they can understand an awesome drum riff or a kickin' guitar solo.  If nothing else, my version of pop culture will live on through my kids, and even if I can't remember how old I am I'll always remember that my favorite color is blue.

No!  YELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!